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What does it mean to be gay?
Men who call themselves gay are
sexually attracted to and fall in love with other men. Their sexual feelings toward
men are normal and natural for them. These feelings emerge when they are boys
and the feelings continue into adulthood. Although some gay men may also be attracted
to women, they usually say that their feelings for men are stronger and more important
to them.
We know that about one out of ten
people in the world is gay or lesbian (lesbians are women who are attracted to
other women). This means that in any large group of people, there are usually
several gay people present. However, you cannot tell if someone is gay or not
unless he or she wants you to know. Gay people blend right in with other people.
But they often feel different from other people.
Gay teenagers may not be able to
specify just why they feel different. All of the guys they know seem to be attracted
to girls, so they don't know where they fit in. And, they may not feel comfortable
talking with an adult about their feelings.
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How do I know if I'm gay?
"I don't remember exactly when I
first knew I was gay, but I do remember that the thought of sex with men always
excited me"--Alan, age 19.
"I never had any real attraction towards women, but I really knew that I was
gay when puberty began. I felt an attraction toward the other boys and I was curious
to find out what they were like"--James, age 17.
"One day I was flipping through a magazine, there was a cute guy, and bam!
I knew"--Antonio, age 16.
You may not know what to
call your sexual feelings. You don't have to rush and decide how to label yourself
right now. Our sexual identities develop over time. Most adolescent boys are intensely
sexual during the years around puberty (usually between 11 and 15 years old),
when their bodies start changing and their hormones are flowing in new ways. Your
sexual feelings may be so strong that they are not directed toward particular
persons or situations, but seem to emerge without cause. As you get older you
will figure out who you are really attracted to.
Boys with truly gay feelings
find that, over time, their attractions to boys and men get more and more clearly
focused. You may find yourself falling in love with your classmates or maybe developing
a crush on a particular adult man. You may find these experiences pleasurable,
troubling, or a mix of the two. By age 16 or 17 many gay kids start thinking about
what to call themselves, while others prefer to wait.
If you think you might be gay, ask
yourself:
- When I dream or fantasize
sexually, is it about boys or girls?
- Have I ever had a crush
or been in love with a boy or a man?
- Do I feel different than
other guys?
- Are my feelings for boys
and men true and clear?
If you cannot answer these questions
now, don't worry. You will be more sure in time. You and only you know how to
label yourself correctly.
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Making contact
So, you may be ready to find out
more. Start by reading. If you feel comfortable, ask the librarian in the "Young
Adult" section of your public library. Librarians are usually glad to help. If
your library does not have much on sexuality you may want to check out the "GAY"
section of a large bookstore, or possibly order books and other material through
the mail. Please note that not all books about gay people are supportive.
Try calling a gay hotline. Most
major cities have one. You may want to call from a phone booth for privacy. They
will let you talk about your feelings and will direct you to organizations that
help gay people. There may even be a gay youth group in your area. Some helpful
resources are listed on the back of this brochure, including a toll-free national
hotline.
Remember, gay people are out there,
wherever you are. Trust your instincts. Sooner or later you will meet someone
who feels some of the same things you do.
"When I first met another gay person,
I felt excited, anxious, nervous and happy. There was an indescribable relief
to know that I was not alone, that there was someone else like me. It was also
intimidating, not knowing what to expect, but I quickly loosened up and felt relaxed"
-- Nathan, age 18.
"When I first made contact with another gay man, I felt a tremendous relief. I
couldn't believe I had made a connection. I felt happy but also scared. I felt
that I could do or say anything and not worry about it"--Alan, age 19.
"When I first met another gay person, it was incredible, refreshing, reassuring,
touching, awesome, and wonderful"--James, age 17.
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Will I ever have sex?
Naturally, you think about finding
an outlet for your sexual feelings. Becoming a healthy sexual person is part of
the coming out process. You may be scared at the prospect of having sex. This
is normal for everyone. No one should start having sex until they are ready. Until
then, you may choose to masturbate or fantasize.
Sex should only happen between
mature individuals who care about each other. You will know when the time is right.
We all choose to have sex in
different ways, whether we are gay or straight. Gay men choose from a wide range
of sexual practices, including masturbation (either alone or with another person),
oral sex, anal intercourse, kissing, hugging, massage, wrestling, holding hands,
cuddling or anything else that appeals to both partners. You are in complete control
over what you do sexually and with whom.
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What about AIDS?
All sexually active people need
to be aware of AIDS as well as other sexually transmitted diseases. Being gay
does not give you AIDS, but certain sexual practices and certain drug use behaviors
can put you at risk for catching the virus that causes AIDS. AIDS is incurable,
but is preventable.
Here's how to reduce your risk
of getting AIDS:
Do not shoot up
drugs. Sharing needles is the most dangerous behavior in terms of getting AIDS.
Avoid anal intercourse
or other direct anal contact. Anal intercourse transmits the virus very efficiently.
If you do engage in anal sex, use a condom every time.
Use condoms whenever
you engage in anal or oral sex (or vaginal sex if you have sex with women). You
should choose latex condoms that are fresh and undamaged. Store them away from
heat (your wallet is not a good pl ace to keep them). Use a condom only once.
Try to choose condoms with "reservoir tips", and be sure to squeeze out the air
from the tip as you put it on. Hold on to the condom as you remove your penis;
sometimes they slip off after sex.
Choose sexual activities
that do not involve intercourse: hugging, kissing, talking, massaging, wrestling
or masturbating (on unbroken skin).
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Learning to like yourself
"I had to reject a lot of negative
heterosexual and religious programming that made me feel lousy about myself as
a gay person. I began to like myself by meeting other gay people and going to
a gay support group. After that I was content with myself"--Bill, age 18.
"My aunt is a lesbian, and she made it clear to me, before I even knew I was gay,
that being gay was OK"--Antonio, age 16.
"I accepted the facts, which means that I don't deny being gay and I don't pretend
to be someone I'm not"--Alan, age 19.
It's not easy to discover
that you are gay. Our society makes it very clear what it thinks of gay people.
We all hear the terrible jokes, the hurtful stereotypes and the wrong ideas that
circulate about gay people. People tend to hate or fear what they don't understand.
Some people hate lesbians and gay men. Many people are uncomfortable being around
lesbians and gay men.
It's no wonder that you
might choose to hide your gay feelings from others. You might even be tempted
to hide them from yourself.
You may wonder if you are
normal. Perhaps you worry about people finding out about you. Maybe you avoid
other kids who might be gay because of what people will think. Working this hard
to conceal your thoughts and feelings is called being in the closet. It is a painful
and lonely place to be, even if you stay there in order to survive.
It takes a lot of energy
to deny your feelings, and it can be costly. You may have tried using alcohol
or other drugs to numb yourself against these thoughts. You may have considered
suicide. If so, please consult the phone book for the Samaritans or other hotline.
There are alternatives to denying your very valuable feelings. Check out the resources
listed on the back of this brochure.
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should I tell?
"I only tell other people that I'm
gay if I've known them for a long time and if they are accepting and tolerant.
I think it's important that they know about this special part of me"--Bill, age
18.
"Since I'm normal, I don't have to hide how I feel. But you should make sure that
you are comfortable with your preference before you blurt it out to just anyone"--Nathan,
age 19.
"I tell people that I'm gay if I know that they won't reject me, will accept me
for what I am, and won't try to 'straighten' me out. I test them, I suppose, then
I judge if I want to risk telling them"--James, age 17.
More and more gay kids are
learning to feel better about themselves. As you start to listen to your deepest
feelings and learn more about what it means to be gay you will begin to be comfortable
with your sexuality. This is the process called coming out.
The first step in coming
out is to tell yourself that you are gay and say, "That's OK." Later you may want
to tell someone else--someone you trust to be understanding and sympathetic. You
might choose a friend or an adult. You will probably want to meet other gay kids
for friendship or a more intimate relationship. Some gay kids are able to come
out to their families. You need to decide whether or not to tell your family,
and to choose the right time. Lots of people, including parents, simply don't
understand gay people and are difficult to come out to. In the beginning, be cautious
about whom you tell.
But it is crucial to be
honest with yourself. Just as self-denial costs you, coming out pays off. Most
kids who accept their sexuality say they feel calmer, happier and more confident.
"No matter what people say,
you are normal. God created you, and you were made in this [sic] image.
If you are non-religious, you were born and you have a purpose, and being gay
is only part of it"--Nathan, age 19.
"Stand up for what you believe in, and don't listen to what hatemongers have to
say. Stay proud and confident"--James, age 17.
