Supportive

Most parents continue to love their child in a way that allows them to say "I love you," to accept the reality of the child's sexual orientation and to be supportive. In fact, now that the relationship between parents and child is on a level of mutual honesty and trust, most parents say their relationship is better than it ever was. All parties begin to feel better about what has happened.

Although they may have had some glimpses prior to this time, supportive parents are increasingly aware of your needs. They become concerned about the problems that you have to face. Although we'd had some glimpses prior to this time, my wife and I became more aware of our son's needs and what he'd been through. In fact, we were amazed that he had handled all the tensions and problems as well as he did for all those years.

Our awareness and love for him soon involved us in offering to begin solving some problems in an effort to reduce some of those tensions: a single room at college would enable him to live his life without having to offer excuses or explanations to a roommate. Dan was invited home more often and gradually became an important member of our family. When Ted told his brother, we were able to talk to Louis and support Ted.

This Far And No Farther

Sometimes parents respond by making it clear it's an issue that no longer requires discussion. Although they can discuss the matter, they are quite fragile in dealing with it. They have progressed this far and wish to go no further.

This does not necessarily reflect a negative attitude toward you. They know their limits and don't want to be pushed beyond them. Although you need to respect that stance, you can still make efforts to reach out to them.

Let them know that you love them -- in word and deed. Cautiously let them know some things that you do related to your sexuality; i.e., gay groups you're involved in (community center, religion, athletics). Make it a point not to let them drift away from you.

Introduce them to some of your friends; meeting other homosexual persons (in small numbers) will help to break down the stereotypes they may hold.

Constant Warfare

In some instances your sexual orientation can be the staging area for constant warfare. Everything you do and say is viewed as a symptom of your "problem." The hours you keep, your language, choice of friends, vocational selection, school grades, etc. (However, in reality, it may reflect a parent's feeling of personal inadequacy.)

As long as this condition exists, both parent and child are in a no-win position. Generally speaking, if one parent assumes this extreme a position, the other parent may have difficulty choosing a role that is far from it. When relating to their children, parents are often outwardly supportive of each other -- even if behind closed doors they don't completely agree between themselves.

I'm convinced that most parents who attend a parents' meeting or who enter into personal conversation with a supportive parent greatly increase the chance that they'll not remain negative. If they won't attend a meeting, maybe they'll meet with some parents at a quiet restaurant. If all attempts fail, don't let the situation get you down. Find a parent substitute or friend to whom you can turn for support.

Relapses

A word about relapses is important. Problem-solving and changing personal attitudes often can be diagrammed as two steps forward and one backward.

It's not at all uncommon for parents to slip back a step or two to rehash something you thought was behind you. Allow them time to rework it. It will be disappointing to you when this happens, but it's the way change usually comes about.
 

STAGE 6: TRUE ACCEPTANCE

Not All Parents Get This Far

Some parents get this far. Most may love their child without finally accepting the child's life. Many reach the point where they can also celebrate their child's uniqueness. These fortunate ones view homosexuality as a legitimate expression of human sexuality.

When asked if they wish that their child could be changed, they respond, "I'd prefer to change our homophobic society so my child could live his life without rejection and fear."

Parents at this stage face up to their own guilt, that they are a part of a guilty society, a homophobic society. They reflect on the gay jokes they've told and laughed at over the years. They begin to understand the problems they unknowingly created for their child. This coming to terms with themselves may lead them to view the oppression of all gays and lesbians in a new light.

They begin to speak out against the oppression; they talk to friends about the issues involved as a means of educating others. They support gay friends of their son or daughter; they attend parent meetings to help other parents. In short, they become committed to a cause and find a way that is comfortable for them to make a positive contribution. Some do it boldly, others work at it quietly.

Our Own Story

About two years prior to knowing about Ted, we began to sense that our son was drifting away from the family. We thought it was simply a stage he was going through; as soon as he completed this "stage," he'd come to his senses and his life and ours would come back together.

In an effort to help him we tried at different times to reach him. One month we'd try to be his friend, interested in what he was doing and allowing him considerable latitude. When that didn't work, we tried bringing him to his senses by being confrontive and demanding. To our mutual frustration, nothing worked.

My wife became increasingly aware that we were "losing" him. What we thought was a typical teen-parent communication gap seemed to be getting out of hand. We knew he was unhappy and were frustrated that we were unable to help. It never crossed our minds that his being gay and our lack of understanding related to the problem.

I've often thought about what has transpired since then; I've looked upon it as an unplanned journey. It was thrust upon us; we'd hardly have signed up for it if given the option of choosing something else.

Unplanned, however, does not mean unwelcomed. Today we can say "We're glad we know." We've been able to support our son on his journey. We hope that he can say, "Unplanned, but not unwelcome."
 

Copyright ©1995 Tom Sauerman & PFLAG Philadelphia. Republished with permission.

Hardcopy newly republished in 1995. Single copies are available for $1.50 each; 100 copies for $100.00. Prices include shipping and handling. Send check payable to PFLAG Philadelphia, PO Box 176, Titusville, NJ 08560-0176.